a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
