i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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