I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
