Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
