he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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