I met the friendliest cop last night
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
