ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
