I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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