It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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