one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize