Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
