i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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