Farmville is her only friend.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
