If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
