cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
