apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
worst night to have a conscience
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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