I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
