It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
