I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
