i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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