Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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