Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
