my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
