Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
