Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
