im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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