Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
