shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
