so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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