she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
