the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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