I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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