I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize