I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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