It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
