They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
