I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
