They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
