She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
