is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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