Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize