I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
