Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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