I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
