Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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