Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize