my sisters under your porch take her home
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
