I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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