If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
