he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize