I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
