Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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