Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
