if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
