OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
