How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
