she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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