Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
