what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
