Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
