You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
