I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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