Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
