Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
