I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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