I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
