if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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