im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize