I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
