i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
