I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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