i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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