why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
